Monday, February 9, 2015

I am so sick of death.

 This post contains bleeped-out cursing and details of death. If that offends or frightens you, please don't read this.

I am. I am so, so, so done with it.

Everywhere I turn; everywhere I look; death is somewhere. I know it will happen to all of us eventually but there is so much of it.

I have heard of, seen so much, felt so much death. Passing is never easy, and grief is one of the hardest things you'll ever deal with.

I've nearly lost my uncle, my family- especially my sister and I- lost two dear guinea pigs to murderous dogs, my dear friends the T's just lot their dear sweet dog Yeti, I nearly died myself, and I nearly lost my dad multiple times- and now I have for reality.

That's all happened in about 2 years. My friend S has been to 8 funerals this year, I believe she said.

8 funerals.

You see what I'm saying? Life is so fragile and can be lost in the blink of an eye, quite literally. Sometimes you don't even realize what's going on. Like me. After my spinal fusion surgery, my lungs started filling with fluid. I knew that much, but I didn't know the severity until a couple months later when I overheard my mom talking with somebody and she said, "I nearly lost my daughter,".

You don't expect it.

When my dad passed the last word I said was "'night'" because I thought I would see him in the morning and we'd eat breakfast and watch TV or something. I didn't appreciate him enough, I didn't even give him a hug. Instead I woke up to my mom and brother screaming as they waited for the ambulance. The last time I ever and ever will hold his earthly hand was in the abrupt minutes sometime during the funeral. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, he was gone.

When my guinea pigs passed my dad was in the hospital for his heart and my sister and I had walked into the living room of our house and I couldn't even cry I was in so much shock. I was more angry and hateful then anything. I wasn't expecting it. I turned around and saw my sweet guinea pig Penny looking up at me, but her eyes had lost their light, and the same went for my sister's guinea pig Smore. I locked up the killers- ex-pet dogs named Chico and Sadie- and the last thing I said to them was, "I hate you, f**k you, I hope you die,".

Because I did. I still do.

Forgiveness is hard to give out and trust can be lost just like that.

I feel tears as I recall these painful memories- all the emotions I've held up, all the anger and hurt and confusion. Why do we have to pass? We do we have to move on?

I still don't entirely know the answer, really. I think it's because it's for the better, so we'll all be with Jesus. But it doesn't make it any better.

When my mom told me about Yeti that was the last straw. I broke down and I cried, because you know what?

I am so, so, so very sick of death and the h**l it leaves in its wake.

2 comments:

  1. My dear sweet daughter - how I wish I could take all the hurt, all the pain away from you. I wish I could say that being a Christian makes our lives less hard, but it doesn't - but having the Lord can make the hard times more easy to bear. Death is never easy, ever. It doesn't matter if we don't know the person, whether they were old, young, or whatever - death is never easy. Oh how I wish we could go back to 12-12 and do something but we can't. If dad had a choice he'd still be here but I also know there is no more pain for him, no more stress, no more heart issues. He is healed. Of course that doesn't make it easy on us who are here to bear the grief and sorrow and stress of his passing. You know I'm here and if you need to talk or write a letter, or whatever to tell me things you know I"ll listen - we are in this together. Love you.

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  2. I am so so sorry to hear about your dad. I just want you to know that I am praying for you and your family during this storm in your life.
    I wanted to share this verse I found with you:

    "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
    ~Isaiah 41:10

    If you ever are in need of encouragement, Isaiah is a great place to look. Especially chapter 41. :-)

    Also, If you EVER need someone to talk to, my Polyvore message box is always open. If you want to email, just let me know. :-)

    Love & prayers from Texas,
    Hannah Rose

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