Thursday, July 16, 2015
This post is about me, about my emotions.
Lately I have seemed to have had 3 main emotions: anger, sadness, and fear.
Fear has been a big factor.
But as I sat on the bed last night, just sat there, not moving, only breathing, I realized there's no reason to be scared. What's gonna happen is gonna happen anyways, and I shouldn't freak out over it. In other words:
I'm not scared anymore.
Look, I was angry. I still kind of am. One of my best friends (you know who you are) said she needed space and hasn't been returning my calls or emails, and I don't even have her new address. In other words, I have no way of getting a hold of her. It makes me kind of upset. More than kind of.
But I'm not scared of it anymore. If she doesn't respond, well, that's on her. As much as I'll miss her and never forget her, it's on her. I have tried to reach through to her and it's up to her now. I'm done trying.
Truth is, I was sad. I AM sad. I've lost a lot. Friends to different things. Loved ones to heaven. Pets to pet heaven. For a while, I thought I was losing my sanity- I didn't even tell my mom this, so woah, deep breath. I'm not kidding though, I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. But I'm not scared. I'm better now.
And you know what?
It feels good. Once fear gets a grip on you, fear begins to twist you. You don't trust, it's hard to love, and you can't seem to focus except on what terrifies you. You can't live like that. You have to let fear go. And sitting on that bed, not moving, just breathing, made me realize that.
I'm finally fear free.